My New Political Ad

Fade in. A banner that looks like someone ate a bunch of American flags and then puked out my name appears. I say

I'm Sean Jacobson, and I approve this message.

I appear in a field, next to a dog, or a horse, or whatever. I say 

Hi, I'm Sean Jacobson. Are you tired of Congress/The President/The Government telling you what to do? When I'm elected, I'll make sure that government remains small, like God intended. And you can be sure that my attitude will be so arrogant, rude, and dismissive that you'll feel even better about thinking I am right. After all, you're not an idiot, are you? Are you??

(Cut to me holding a pistol)

I'll stop the government

(cut to me holding a shotgun)

from taking away your

(cut to me holding a rocket launcher)

second amendment rights.

(cut to me sitting on top of a tank)

<my opponent> wants to take away your right to defend yourself from poor people, ghosts, and super-Nazis. I say that this is America, and the second amendment is as valid today as it was during the revolutionary war.

(cut to me in front of a church)

When elected, I will make sure that abortion remains illegal. If we don't allow people with low socioeconomic status to continue to have unwanted children, how are we going to keep taking advantage of that group of people by giving them money to join the armed forces? Are you going to join the army? Me either. Fuck that. Also, I'll support our troops by keeping them stationed in the shittiest countries in the world for no reason.

(Cut to me in a huge truck)

<my opponent> wants to raise gas prices to pay for gay marriages and planned parenthood so that he can force everyone to have abortions. This is my truck, and since I don't believe in global warming, I'll pollute everything as much as I damned well please, and if you have a problem with that, you can go fuck yourself.

(Cut to me on top of a hill with a giant American flag behind me, with two horses, three trucks, five dogs, nine crosses, and two gun racks. I'll be holding two shotguns and three pistols. Can we fit all that on a hill in front of the flag? Of course we can, fuck you.)

Vote Sean Jacobson for <whatever>. I definitely don't have a small penis.

Cut to a banner that says "Sean Jacobson" decorated with a ton of flags. Have a bunch of flags in the background. Put the banner on a flag. Play "God Bless America," "This Land is Our Land," and "America the Beautiful" at the same time. Underneath my name, put the phrase "I don't have a small penis."